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Guide to Passing Drug Tests

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The looming threat of drug tests from various sources is a scourge occasionally encountered by every stoner.  Whether you are applying for a job, on probation, or just have suspicious parents, if you are in the position of being drug tested, you’d probably like to know how to pass the test.  This guide goes over some basic techniques for beating drug tests!

Guide to Passing Drug Tests
Guide to Passing Drug Tests

How Marijuana is Stored in your Body

When you smoke, the canabinoids (the pharmacologically active compounds; THC is a canabinoid) are absorbed by the alveoli of your lung tissue. From there it goes on a journey through your bloodstream, finally binding with the canabinoid receptors in your brain, causing the intoxication we are all familiar with.

After the canabinoids detach from the receptors in your brain, they go back into your bloodstream as their metabolized relatives. From there they are absorbed by any fatty tissue in your body. Because these are nonpolar molecules, and fat molecules are also nonpolar, the metabolites attach themselves to the fat.

This is the same reason you can make foods laced with marijuana… If you ever make cannibutter, all your doing is making the canabinoids come in contact with a nonpolar liquid, causing the canabinoids to ‘stick’ to the liquid.

Why This Makes Hiding It Hard

Because the canabinoids are stuck on your fat, you have to wait for that layer of fat to be used as energy (fat is the way our bodies store unused energy). As you burn the fat, the metabolites are again released into your bloodstream, and are added to the urine by your kidneys.

Why is this bad for passing drug tests? Most people take a long time to metabolize all the fat that has canabinoid metabolites dissolved in it. The more you smoke, the longer it lingers. The slower your metabolism, the longer it lingers.

Heres an example… John is a lanky bastard with only 4% body fat. He is a pothead and smoked every day for a few years. His friend Jake is a lard ass with over 30% body fat. He smoked with John every day. John exercises and is completely clean after two weeks of non-smoking. Jake also exercises with John, but even after three weeks he is still testing positive for marijuana.

Not only is John a lucky bastard, but he has a high metabolism rate. I’m sure we’ve all seen skinny people who you never see without food in their hand. You wonder why they never gain weight! Its because they have a quick metabolism. Diet and exercise are the only way to increase metabolism.

So How do I Pass?!

Well the most surefire way is to simply stop smoking marijuana.  If you find that marijuana is causing more problems than benefits in your life, it might be time to take a break.  Though, as the previous paragraph indicates, if the test is coming up soon, quitting might not be enough!

If you want to keep on smoking and pass the test, it really depends on what kind of drug test your taking, but it doesn’t hurt your chances to take a breather for as long as possible before the test.

Basic Urine Tests

These are probably the easiest tests to pass. You urinate in a cup, and either the cup has an indicator on the side, or you use an indicator dipstick to dip in the cup of urine and test.  These are normally performed by nonprofessionals, ranging from on-the-job random tests to nosy parents.

I’ll tell you right now so you don’t have to read any more of this article: Just drink as much water as you possibly can, and don’t exercise the night before the test. Idid this and after 3 days of nonsmoking (preceded by 3 years of heavy smoking), I passed.

The reason these are so easy to pass is that the people using these tests aren’t exactly lab technicians and chemists. If your pee looks diluted with water, the person administering the test isn’t going to follow up by looking at creatine levels, specific gravity, pH, etc. Usually its a suspicious parent, probation officer, or done right in your place of employment.

Normal detection time is up to 45 days.

Drug Testing Clinical Tests

For most pre-employment tests, they will send you to a clinic where they take a sample of your urine in a cup, and send it out to a lab. At the lab, they will perform what is called an immunoassay. An immunoassay is basically a test where a lab technician uses a substance that reacts with only one other substance. So if they are testing for THC, they will use a specific chemical that only reacts in the presence of THC or THC metabolites. Usually this reaction is indicated by a physical change (like change in color, pH, density, etc).

If you fail the immunoassay, the drug testing lab will confirm the test by testing your sample with a gas chromatography/mass spectrometry test. This test works by isolating and examining every chemical in your urine. It will be able to tell you exactly how much of ANY substance is in your urine.

Immunoassays only costs pennies to test. Gas chromatography / mass spectrometry is much more expensive and requires very delicate equipment operated by trained professionals, and takes much more time then an immunoassay. They will almost ALWAYS use an immunoassay first.

Virtually the only way to beat these tests is to stop smoking for a significant amount of time or to use someone else’s urine.

Detection time is up to 45 days.

Hair Tests

Although uncommon, hair tests can detect drug use up to 6 months prior to the test, or longer.  These tests are conducted in a manner similar to the clinical urine tests. They do an immunoassay, then a gas chromatograph confirmation. So what’s the solution? Shave every hair in your body. Of course, this solution looks pretty suspicious so if you do it, they might not give you the job anyways.  Hair tests are generally pretty expensive and intrusive, so they are not very common.  If you are in a position to have your hair tested, a full body wax is really your only hope.

There are shampoos out there that claim to rid your hair of the drugs, but I am unsure as to how effective they are.  I have never used them, nor do I know anyone personally who has.  You can try them if you want.

Detection time is between 6-12 months.

Oral Tests

Oral tests are conducted with a mouth swab and use an indicator to see if any drug residue is present. These tests only indicate canabinoids that are in your bloodstream. These are hard to cheat. The only way you’d be able to cheat is to mask it somehow. This is hard to do since the person administering the test can see inside your mouth. So its not like you can just keep a bunch of water in your mouth and slosh it onto the swab.

However, the detection time is only about 24 hours so if you get any forewarning, just don’t smoke!

So How Exactly Do I Pass?

Well if you read any of this article so far, the only test you can really cheat effectively is the urine test.

Don’t believe anything about eating niacin pills, green tea, or cranberry juice. They will all speed up your metabolism (cranberry just makes you pee a lot), but none of them will eliminate canabinoids from your urine.

There are two logical ways you cheat:

Dilute your sample by drinking large amounts of waterUse someone else’s urine

Dilution

To dilute your urine, you must drink a lot of water. You want your urine to be clear. Be careful, drinking too much water in one sitting can cause water intoxication. Water intoxication is essentially a flooding of your brain cavity and actually caused the death of one woman in a competition for a Wii gaming system a few years ago.  You also want to keep your electrolytes in line, so drink some gatorate or eat some salty foods in between bottles of water.

How much should you drink? It depends on the size of your stomach. I’d guzzle anywhere between 1-2 liters of water, then wait until you have to urinate. After you pee it out, drink another 1 or 2 liters. Keep doing this the day before, and the day of the test. You dont have to do it for too long before, since you only want to dilute your pee.

Just by the color of your urine, they will know that you are diluting and that will raise a red flag. The collection site will probably reject a sample if it is too clear. If it gets to the lab, the lab will see that its clear and test the creatine level. When you dilute your urine, the creatine level drops rapidly. You can buy powdered creatine at any major pharmacy (CVS, Brooks, Rite Aid, Walgreen’s, Wal-Mart).

While you are at the pharmacy, look for Vitamin B-12. This will help you color your urine yellow. If your still peeing too clear, drink a small cup of coffee.

Don’t take anything to speed up your metabolism before the test. Niacin is bad for this. You don’t want the THC stored in your fat to come out into your urine. You want to keep it there. Eat a good breakfast, and keep drinking water.

While you are out, buy and grill up some asparagus. Now I’m not sure if it really does anything to your pee at all to help you pass… but it does make it smell very bad. These assholes are invading our privacy. The least we can do is make their job less enjoyable. The stuff doesn’t taste too bad either. It goes great with fresh fish.

Again, dilution only really works for piss in a cup tests. For these tests, you don’t even have to worry about color or creatine level. Your really taking a gamble by trying to dilute a laboratory test. The federally set sensitivity level for drug testing companies is 50nl of THC per 60cc of urine. Thats rather small, but to these tests, even 10nl could theoretically set it off and make you fail.

Substitution

This one is a bit tricky, but if you can pull it off, you will pass.

The first thing you need is the mindset. Being nervous is bad. Very bad. Nerves will cause you to become irrational and you will make stupid mistakes. Suck it up, smoke a cigarette if you have to, and get it done. Thats all I can recommend.

You need an apparatus that will hold 50ml of urine. Ideally, you want to order a fake penis from the internet. Do a Google search for “Fake penis drug test” and you’ll find something.  In lieue of artificial anatomical parts, more modest means can be used effectively.

If you are a lady, you have unlimited options due to your built in cavity (vagina). Slip in a small container (a condom or one of those large Visene bottles will work), and your pretty much ready to go.

As for guys, a lot of people over the years have recommended condoms, but I recommend using an Elmer’s school glue container. It holds 100ml of urine, which is twice what you need. The screw top stays closed nicely, and is very easy to open up while your in the bathroom. Plus, the flat shape of the container makes it easy to tape to your body, and the thin walled plastic makes it transfer heat nicely (I’ll get into temperature of the sample later).

Materials:

Medical TapeElmer’s Glue BottlePipe Cleaner

Empty out all the glue. Fill it with hot water, and pour it out. Keep doing that until most of the glue is gone. Sometimes (at least with mine it did this), some of the glue will harden on the inside of the bottle. Just fill it with water, and use a pipe cleaner to scrape off the inside. The glue is water soluble so it comes off nice and easy. If you want, you can add some alcohol. I found that filling it 3/4 the way with water, putting the top on it and shaking got a lot of the stubborn ‘curds’ of glue to come off.

Once your container is completely clean, you’ll probably want to shave the area your going to tape it to. Be careful not to nick anything.

Fill it with your urine sample. You want to do all this as close to the test as possible in order to keep the urine warm. They will record the temperature and they will reject it if its too cold.

Put a wrap of electrical tape around where the cap twists onto the bottle. I found that my contraption had leaked from the neck a little bit. Tightly wrapped electric tape did the trick.

Find a convenient way to tape this to your legs where it can be hidden and used effectively without rousing suspicion.  While it can certainly be awkward securing it to the areas you will be securing it, you want to be sure it won’t fall off.  You do not want it to be detected at the clinic.

They will test the temperature of the urine. You want it to be between 92 and 100 degrees. When I got my paperwork for my test it told me the temperature range it had to be (for my test it was anywhere between 90-100). Because the glue container is pretty thin, your body will heat it up.

A digital thermometer will be good for your practices. And please practice. You don’t want to be fumbling around in the clinic. Know exactly what your going to do, and then execute your actions decisively.

I highly recommend wearing multiple pairs of underwear. Wear baggy pants so it doesn’t look like your wearing a diaper.

It may be a little awkward to walk around with something taped to your crotch. It was for me. I put on a gangsta limp when I was walking to the place. If its taped secure, and you know its secure, you don’t have to worry too much, but please, don’t put too much stress on the tape. It will just come right off.

What your going to do is put a few pieces of tape holding the fly of your underwear open so you don’t have to bother with 4 or 5 buttons when you get to the bathroom. Twist the cap, and squeeze the bottle until you filled your sample cup. Don’t worry if you pinch something while you do this. Suck it up, soldier.

The one thing I was afraid of was the noise of the bubbles rushing back into the cup when I had filled it up enough. You can stop this by either just twisting the cap shut right after your done, or slowly letting go of the glue container. Same thing goes for the ladies if they are using a Visine bottle inside their vagina. Just put the cap back on, or slowly let go so it doesn’t sound like a water bubbler.

Win the War

Write your congressmen! The only way we will win this war is with support. I think there are a LOT of stoners in the US, but most of them are just too busy getting high to lobby for decriminalization/legalization. The decriminalization of marijuana begins with changing opinions, so let people know how you feel. End the war!

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